OK, back. Last chapter we, WHAT!? You didn't read the 4th chapter? SHAME YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING OLD ROTTEN BAG OF TRASH PICKING, MONKEY-LICKING, SKIRT DANCING, ROCKET BITING, DISCO KICKING, ROSE SPITTING, BANANA CRYING, SELF HATING, BUGGER PICKING, LIPSTICK EATING, MEANY! Go read it, cheapskate! Yeah, read it! No, the guy with the saw and hockey mask behind you! YES YOU! And him too!
I'll wait...
Read it? OK, now I can re-cap.
Zira just found out that Taylor could write. Happy and cheerfully, Taylor forcefully with no say agreed to spend time in Zira's office writing notes. But to his dismay, Cornelius was there. Those two are like two cats in water.
Cornelius: What is this idiot doing here?
Zira: Taylor is sensitive! Don't say that stuff!
Cornelius: SENSITIVE! SENSITIVE! It's a stunt! Humans can't write!
Zira: Don't you believe your own eyes?
Zira shuffles through many sheets of notebook paper and empty Cheez-Itz boxes. Cornelius begins to pace up and down, Taylor with a sleazy grin pulling at the ends of his mouth. Cornelius was not at all amused.
Cornelius: Where the heck did you learn to do this you stupid animal?
Taylor crossed his hairy arms.
Zira: You must ask politely, dear.
Cornelius: Fine! Taylor, PLEASE tell me where the heck you learned to do this you stupid animal.
Zira: Please, Taylor?
Taylor hand Zira a note.
Zira (reading the note to Cornelius): Thomas Jefferson Public Juvenile Detention Center, Fork Wayne, Indiana Jones.
Cornelius: Good golly!
Cornelius (sarcastically): Back on that planet you say you came from?
Zira: Juvenile Detention Center?
Taylor nods. Really he is catering to both of their questions.
Cornelius: Uh-um.
Cornelius (to Zira): He may be slightly intelligent, but he is also mad!
Taylor scribbles another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira (reading the note): And you're a fool.
Cornelius: Ugh! I hate you, Tammy!
Zira: Taylor!
Cornelius: Whatever!
Taylor makes another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira (aloud): Dodge was killed in the hunt. What happened to... Landon?
Zira and Cornelius look up together.
Zira: I don't know.
Cornelius: Did he fall out of the sky with you?
Taylor makes another note and gives it to Zira.
Zira (reading): Not fell, FLEW! Gosh, you don't listen very well, do you?
Zira (smiling): I agree!
Cornelius: I thought you were on my side!
Zira: No way, Cornelius!
Cornelius: Enough! Flight is a scientific impossibility! And Mister Smart-Crud, that means it is impossible!
Zira: And even if it weren't, why fly? Where would it get you?
Cornelius (snickering under a heavy breath): Indiana Jone's Penitentiary...
Just then Taylor folded a note into a paper airplane and threw it across the room so it glided ever so slightly towards Cornelius.
Cornelius: What...
Cornelius (to himself softly): Well now...
Taylor scribbles another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira: Cornelius, stop toying with that piece of paper and please come here.
Cornelius was examining the airplane made out of cheap paper and stenched of old notebook.
Zira: Cornelius, I asked you to come here and let me read Taylor's note.
Zira: Cornelius?
Zira: It says, "Score one for Mister Smart-Crud".
Zira: Did you hear that?
Taylor scribbles some more on a note. Then he quickly gives it to Zira.
Zira takes it, a little worried at first. She knows about what Taylor may wright.
Zira (reading to everyone): Do you have any maps and Cheez-Itz?
Taylor shakes an empty Cheez-It box and extends his hand out to both of the very bamboozled apes. Zira scratches her head.
Cornelius: None that we'd give you!
Zira: Yes to the map, no to the snacks. That was our last box. Sorry.
Taylor frowns and passes Zira another note.
Zira (reading Taylor's note): I hate you, you big...
Cornelius leans over his wife and takes the note.
Cornelius: Was that intended for my wife?
Taylor quickly scribbles another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira (reading): No, it was intended for you.
Taylor begins to snicker and he stands up to look at the maps.
Cornelius (sound sophisticated): We are here.
Cornelius drags his finder to a more darker green area.
Cornelius: And you were captured here.
Then Cornelius drags his finger to a yellow spot on the map.
Then Taylor makes a stick figure movement with his hand indicating his march across the desert.
Zira: You fell in the water here... came ashore... marched across the desert... fell down there... mountains... many days and nights... many Cheese-Itz boxes... met a duck... and then reached the jungle!
Cornelius slams the map down.
Cornelius: Out of the question!
Zira: Cornelius, why do you insist on provoking him?
Cornelius: No animal can survive the Forbidden Zone, I know, I've been there, I've seen it!
Taylor sits back down and ponders over this one note. After a few seconds he cheerfully hands his creation to Zira.
Cornelius (hopelessly): Why do I try anymore, Zira? How unappealing am I really?
Taylor has his devilish smile again as he writes another note. As Zira goes to reach for it, Cornelius roars and grabs the note, then throws it out the window.
Cornelius: Not you! You don't count!
Taylor writes another note and hands it to Zira. The entire time Zira reads it Taylor watches her.
Zira (reading): Then how do you account for me, Mrs. Smart-Crud-Cornelius?
Cornelius: I don't, and I'm not about to try.
Zira: But what about your theory?
Taylor smiles.
Zira: No, not yours, Taylor. I mean Cornelius's theory. And Taylor, your theory doesn't make sense.
Zira: Anyways, what about your theory? The existence of Taylor might prove it!
Cornelius: Zira! Are you trying to get my head cut off like Taylor's picture?
Zira: Don't be foolish! If it's true they'll have to accept it!
Cornelius: Oh--no--they--won't...
Taylor tugs on Zira's sleeve in need of an explanation.
Zira: Cornelius has developed a brilliant hypothesis...
Cornelius (quickly): But I'm probably wrong!
Zira: ... that the ape evolved from a lower species, possibly man. And they were Republicans! In his trip to the Forbidden Zone he discovered flags with elephants! Pictures of Bush!
Cornelius: The evidence was very meager!
Zira: You didn't think so then!
Cornelius: That is before Dr. Zauis and half of the Democratic Academy said the idea was heresy!
Zira: Oh, you don't even know what heresy means! And how can scientific truth be heresy? What if Taylor is the exact Republican you need? A mutation. A link between the unevolved Democrats and the Republicans!
Taylor bangs his fist on the desk and hands another note to Zira.
Zira (reading): I am NOT a missing link! But I am a Republican.
Cornelius: If he was, the Sacr...
Zira: Oh that scroll thing? Waste of time, and made by Democrats!
Cornelius: No thank you, Zira. I'm not getting into that battle!
Zira: Show some streanght!
Cornelius: Zira, listen to me! We've both have fine futures, marriage, stimulating careers, I just asked Marget out!
Just then Dr. Zauis, another orangutan, and some gorilla guards burst through the doors.
Cornelius: Dr. Zauis, did it ever cross your mind to knock?
Dr. Zauis: Who are you? I came to talk to Zira about our apointment.
Zira: No, you have my husband and I confused. He had the apointment.
Dr. Zauis: Your married?
Cornelius: Ugh! I was just getting my notes.
Dr. Zauis: Oh, your Zira's apprentice. Well hurry, Zira doesn't have all day!
Zira: Oh boy!
Dr. Zauis: You know Dr. Maximus, our commisiner for the Democratic Animal Affairs.
Cornelius: Certainly sir. It is a pleausure to see you again.
Maximus: What is that?
Zira: A man sir.
Maximus: I know thats a man. I mean that...
Zira: Cheese-Itzs, sir.
Maximus: You know the rules, no snacks on duty, Dr. Zira.
Zira: Yes, but those are for this human. He is a special case--
Maximus: Why special? You know what, I don't wanna know!
Zira: Yes sir.
Maximus: Wouldn't this all be done in your office?
Zira: This is my office, sir.
Maximus: Guard, gag him and take him back home!
Bob the guard throws a cloth over Taylor's mouth and drags him out of the hall. Taylor tries to squirm away, but all of those Cheese-Itz really made him, uh, heavyer.
Maximus picks up the paper plane.
Dr. Zauis: What is this?
Zira: It's a toy. It floats on the air.
Cornelius: Zira!
Dr. Zauis: Nonsense!
Dr. Zauis crumples up the plane and everyone but Zira walks out.
Zira just stands in the middle of the room.
Zira: Great. Who is going to clean all of this up?
Zira (reading the note): And you're a fool.
Cornelius: Ugh! I hate you, Tammy!
Zira: Taylor!
Cornelius: Whatever!
Taylor makes another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira (aloud): Dodge was killed in the hunt. What happened to... Landon?
Zira and Cornelius look up together.
Zira: I don't know.
Cornelius: Did he fall out of the sky with you?
Taylor makes another note and gives it to Zira.
Zira (reading): Not fell, FLEW! Gosh, you don't listen very well, do you?
Zira (smiling): I agree!
Cornelius: I thought you were on my side!
Zira: No way, Cornelius!
Cornelius: Enough! Flight is a scientific impossibility! And Mister Smart-Crud, that means it is impossible!
Zira: And even if it weren't, why fly? Where would it get you?
Cornelius (snickering under a heavy breath): Indiana Jone's Penitentiary...
Just then Taylor folded a note into a paper airplane and threw it across the room so it glided ever so slightly towards Cornelius.
Cornelius: What...
Cornelius (to himself softly): Well now...
Taylor scribbles another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira: Cornelius, stop toying with that piece of paper and please come here.
Cornelius was examining the airplane made out of cheap paper and stenched of old notebook.
Zira: Cornelius, I asked you to come here and let me read Taylor's note.
Zira: Cornelius?
Zira: It says, "Score one for Mister Smart-Crud".
Zira: Did you hear that?
Zira: Dear, it says, "Score one for Mister Smart-Crud". Did you hear me, Cornelius?
Zira: Cornelius, did you hear me? CORNELIUS!
Cornelius snickers.
Zira: Now your just playing with me! Stop it, Cornelius! You are not very nice! Never ever!
Cornelius secretly rolls his eyes. Then he turns around with a believable smile.
Cornelius: Sorry, Zira. What was it you said?
Zira: Oh shut up!
Taylor and Cornelius begin to have small bursts of laughter seep beetween their pressed lips.
Cornelius (giggling): Sorry.
Cornelius snickers.
Zira: Now your just playing with me! Stop it, Cornelius! You are not very nice! Never ever!
Cornelius secretly rolls his eyes. Then he turns around with a believable smile.
Cornelius: Sorry, Zira. What was it you said?
Zira: Oh shut up!
Taylor and Cornelius begin to have small bursts of laughter seep beetween their pressed lips.
Cornelius (giggling): Sorry.
Taylor scribbles some more on a note. Then he quickly gives it to Zira.
Zira takes it, a little worried at first. She knows about what Taylor may wright.
Zira (reading to everyone): Do you have any maps and Cheez-Itz?
Taylor shakes an empty Cheez-It box and extends his hand out to both of the very bamboozled apes. Zira scratches her head.
Cornelius: None that we'd give you!
Zira: Yes to the map, no to the snacks. That was our last box. Sorry.
Taylor frowns and passes Zira another note.
Zira (reading Taylor's note): I hate you, you big...
Cornelius leans over his wife and takes the note.
Cornelius: Was that intended for my wife?
Taylor quickly scribbles another note and hands it to Zira.
Zira (reading): No, it was intended for you.
Taylor begins to snicker and he stands up to look at the maps.
Using his index finger, Cornelius orients Taylor, indicating a red dot in the
middle of the green belt.
Cornelius (sound sophisticated): We are here.
Cornelius drags his finder to a more darker green area.
Cornelius: And you were captured here.
Then Cornelius drags his finger to a yellow spot on the map.
Cornelius: And that is the Waffle House.
Then Taylor makes a stick figure movement with his hand indicating his march across the desert.
Zira: You fell in the water here... came ashore... marched across the desert... fell down there... mountains... many days and nights... many Cheese-Itz boxes... met a duck... and then reached the jungle!
Cornelius slams the map down.
Cornelius: Out of the question!
Zira: Cornelius, why do you insist on provoking him?
Cornelius: No animal can survive the Forbidden Zone, I know, I've been there, I've seen it!
Taylor sits back down and ponders over this one note. After a few seconds he cheerfully hands his creation to Zira.
Cornelius (hopelessly): Why do I try anymore, Zira? How unappealing am I really?
Taylor has his devilish smile again as he writes another note. As Zira goes to reach for it, Cornelius roars and grabs the note, then throws it out the window.
Cornelius: Not you! You don't count!
Taylor writes another note and hands it to Zira. The entire time Zira reads it Taylor watches her.
Zira (reading): Then how do you account for me, Mrs. Smart-Crud-Cornelius?
Cornelius: I don't, and I'm not about to try.
Zira: But what about your theory?
Taylor smiles.
Zira: No, not yours, Taylor. I mean Cornelius's theory. And Taylor, your theory doesn't make sense.
Zira: Anyways, what about your theory? The existence of Taylor might prove it!
Cornelius: Zira! Are you trying to get my head cut off like Taylor's picture?
Zira: Don't be foolish! If it's true they'll have to accept it!
Cornelius: Oh--no--they--won't...
Taylor tugs on Zira's sleeve in need of an explanation.
Zira: Cornelius has developed a brilliant hypothesis...
Cornelius (quickly): But I'm probably wrong!
Zira: ... that the ape evolved from a lower species, possibly man. And they were Republicans! In his trip to the Forbidden Zone he discovered flags with elephants! Pictures of Bush!
Cornelius: The evidence was very meager!
Zira: You didn't think so then!
Cornelius: That is before Dr. Zauis and half of the Democratic Academy said the idea was heresy!
Zira: Oh, you don't even know what heresy means! And how can scientific truth be heresy? What if Taylor is the exact Republican you need? A mutation. A link between the unevolved Democrats and the Republicans!
Taylor bangs his fist on the desk and hands another note to Zira.
Zira (reading): I am NOT a missing link! But I am a Republican.
Cornelius: If he was, the Sacr...
Zira: Oh that scroll thing? Waste of time, and made by Democrats!
Cornelius: No thank you, Zira. I'm not getting into that battle!
Zira: Show some streanght!
Cornelius: Zira, listen to me! We've both have fine futures, marriage, stimulating careers, I just asked Marget out!
Just then Dr. Zauis, another orangutan, and some gorilla guards burst through the doors.
Cornelius: Dr. Zauis, did it ever cross your mind to knock?
Dr. Zauis: Who are you? I came to talk to Zira about our apointment.
Zira: No, you have my husband and I confused. He had the apointment.
Dr. Zauis: Your married?
Cornelius: Ugh! I was just getting my notes.
Dr. Zauis: Oh, your Zira's apprentice. Well hurry, Zira doesn't have all day!
Zira: Oh boy!
Dr. Zauis: You know Dr. Maximus, our commisiner for the Democratic Animal Affairs.
Cornelius: Certainly sir. It is a pleausure to see you again.
Maximus: What is that?
Zira: A man sir.
Maximus: I know thats a man. I mean that...
Zira: Cheese-Itzs, sir.
Maximus: You know the rules, no snacks on duty, Dr. Zira.
Zira: Yes, but those are for this human. He is a special case--
Maximus: Why special? You know what, I don't wanna know!
Zira: Yes sir.
Maximus: Wouldn't this all be done in your office?
Zira: This is my office, sir.
Maximus: Guard, gag him and take him back home!
Bob the guard throws a cloth over Taylor's mouth and drags him out of the hall. Taylor tries to squirm away, but all of those Cheese-Itz really made him, uh, heavyer.
Maximus picks up the paper plane.
Dr. Zauis: What is this?
Zira: It's a toy. It floats on the air.
Cornelius: Zira!
Dr. Zauis: Nonsense!
Dr. Zauis crumples up the plane and everyone but Zira walks out.
Zira just stands in the middle of the room.
Zira: Great. Who is going to clean all of this up?
To be continued...
